The Emotional Whore

Do you realize that you just grasped at me when I was about to fall over the cliff?? I had a horrible feeling last night, I was so incredibly depressed. Death would have been painless to me. I pretty much just closed the book on us. All I could do was ride it out and then later attempt to fall asleep.

Anyways, I did wake up the next day.

And you emailed me back from that horrible message.

Please understand that drinking won't fix it for him... It won't 'loosen him up". Well, it may 'loosen his inhibitions'... but you may be really scared of what comes up from that particular binge. Also, It won't fix it for you, either. Drinking fixes absolutely nothing at all, believe me, I know. Maybe ask your Dad about that. There has to be something there within someone to begin with. You need something to work with. You cannot squeeze water from a rock. Sorry to say, I'm not sure quite what the hell you are actually looking for. You may have an idea in your mind when you look at J... that perfect idea really does not exist all in one person. You have to make compromises with people. You are not looking at the feeling, you are looking at your sense of safety and security. So let's say you have that perfect sense of safety and security.... What happens when you don't have the love???? What happens when you just feel horrible because that person just isn't really there? I'm so sorry.

Do you understand the blankness empty I was talking about? The fact that you would go to great lengths to change yourself and him into that great idea and that you would give up all of those great things... You would compromise love for the idea that you are scared and cannot live by yourself? OMG you kill me again and again. And again. And again.

Honestly your reflections in that brief message about Elijah really scare me. Of course J has been taking a part in Elijah's upbringing, but for you to say that you don't like the direction that is taking is really scaring me pretty badly... "My kid is fine with out you. He will be mine, he is slipping away from me--into sports and not the art of life. How was I stupid enough to let you steal him away from me along with my SELF. You sickafant." Sycophant. Psychophant. (my own alliteration)

Damn you... You think like me. You have always thought like me. I feel the same way about life and experiences... but that's a side discussion... what we have here is.....

Well. Let's draw things out a bit. You obviously let J take care of E fairly frequently during the day... What exactly did you expect? Did you expect E to look at famous artwork and think about awesome sociological theories all day? Did you really think that it would be any different? Did you? Choose.

Landmark Forum
This should have been a HUGE problem for you. You don't even understand how disappointed I am in this turn of events. But you wanted the easy way out to your life's problems. Who can tell you how to live your life? To me this is tantamount to just giving the fuck up. AM I WRONG??? I mean, if they call all the shots and make all of the decisions, who is running your life? WHO is really? You say you're the creative and he is not.... Well, this Landmark shit is the antithesis of creativity, isn't it? It does not give you any choice in the matter. It feels like a choice but in the end it's not really anything but someone telling you how to live. That's pretty fucking lame and gives you no free will in the decision making process of your life! Sure it may be easier, but who do you really end up as later? Who cares!! They've got their fucking money, what the fuck do you matter? You fucking don't matter at all... Please pay at the window!!!! Damn you are so trusting.

WTF Angela. Why are you telling me about any of this if you are 'finished' with me and our 'relationship has run it's course'. Tell me why. Why tell me why? Tell me why you cried on the phone so badly on March 13, WHY?? You never looked too far, did you? Do you really know? I did... I certainly did. I do. I do right now. This has certainly not run it's course and I'm still around. Where are you?

Don't fucking tell me you have changed your mind and it's all better. Gee, where have I heard that before?? Fuck. It's going to happen to me again, isn't it? I don't even trust this situation, it changes on a dime with you. Who can I trust if I can't trust you? You know what?? I can't trust you. If you are not here for me, what are you here for? Using me again and again for my profound wisdom that cannot actually be taught. You faker, you. Good luck in living. :(

There's no doubt that we all have some learning to do, but where's the love that makes it all worthwhile?? Where is it? It's certainly fleeting... flying this way and that. At this point it's just a tiny wisp of nothing.

I still remember the last time we saw each other... You could not stop hugging me. What was that? You were drunk. You said it felt like home again. Explain this please. Explain not for me, but for you. You need to understand. Me? I certainly know how I feel. I've known for years. I am here. I never left even though I wanted to so badly. I was so close Damn it. Denied.

Denied the freedom.

But then again I look at you and your persona.. what you have done... and I have huge doubts. I just know I will be crushed again. Goodbye forever is most likely the safer choice, isn't it?

I wonder why you fight so hard.

I want to see Elijah.
I still have your presents.

5:15am ZzZzZz.

Email 9.19.08

You are the only one that understands what I'm going through, no reply is needed, but input is appriciated. I just want someone to know. I'm also pretty drunk after 2 beers.

Here you go.

Why the marriage? What is the point? It's so absolute and life is not.
It's not so absolute.

How appropriate that you would call during "Ampersand." I really don't want to live my live on one side of an ampersand. I want to be me. I'm slipping away in your June Cleaver world. Fuck that. I'm so unhappy. You fuck like a robot. Where is your passion in life. What is your art? The art of football and paramedicine? That's not art. That's robotics. We need to drink. You fucking need a DRINK. Maybe your robot ass would calm down, maybe, just maybe, you might feel the passion life has to offer. But beer is the passion of the devil. I'm not going to slip away into your purist world. Go back to your 17 year-old whore. I have MEN to fuck. Many passionate and complicated men.

Our wedding will be a funeral procession. I should show up in my black dress escorted by a herst with my bouquet of black roses. This is not me. I want to break free I'm bigger than you. I'm bigger than my small body will allow. Fuck the system. I'm me. Let me be me! I'm dark, drunk, powerful, passionate, anachronistic, artistic in eating and feeding. My kid is fine with out you. He will be mine, he is slipping away from me--into sports and not the art of life. How was I stupid enough to let you steal him away from me along with my SELF. You sickafant. Never mind
you are too robotic for any sort of fandom, except for your football.

I am me. Set me free.




Yeah, I don't want any told you so. Thanks for listening. I know no matter how much you tell me to fuck off, you still love me.

Goodbyes are hard

My Dad passed away early friday morning, July 11 2008, just past midnight.

I walked outside on the porch and looked at the red moon deep on the horizon, setting.
He had been unconscious for about a week before he passed away, we tried to give him the comfort he deserved.

For a few days it seemed like he knew I was there. I had been staying up to watch him if he woke up, I was listening and watching. Finally I became too exhausted and I had to sleep. It was like he was waiting for me to leave the room so he could finally pass away. Sad that thought.

It does seem like I never got to say goodbye.

Goodbye, Dad.

The Parting

Dad's not doing so well. He cannot receive the last attempt at chemo since his lungs are so damaged from his longtime smoking and the bout with pneumonia a few months ago. He is just not able to get enough oxygen. I can't imagine what it's like to just be laying there while feeling oxygen starved. It's like slow suffocation.

Now there is some talk about hospice and funeral arrangements. All we are trying to do right now is keep him comfortable.

This is really difficult. :(

Suck

My father is dying of cancer.
It looks as if he has less than a year to live.
The treatments have mostly all been tried. All have had an effect, however the lymphoma has just come back with all of the associated side effects from the chemo / radioimmuneology treatments.
There is one last treatment, but according to statistics it has a 5% success rate.
Things are looking grim indeed.

I'm not sure if I can hold it together.

The reason

I have spent a whole lot of my life being angry.

...and holding it all in.

Afraid of the danger.
Afraid of the hurting.
Afraid of the consequences.
Afraid of the end.
Afraid of being done.
Afraid of being finished.
Afraid of having no reason.

May 9 Madness

"http://dresdendollsdiary.blogspot.com/2008/05/fishpeoplebelly.html

For some reason when I read this I thought of you.

Enjoy ;)

P.S. Hope you are well."

What a stupid thing. Why doesn't she just fuck off, huh?
She has the nerve to even try to talk to me at this point.
I ask myself what the fuck for? What's the point here?

Go take some more classes, you big dummy.
I'm no good to you anymore ~ don't you see that?

Big Dummy.

I just got poked on facebook by she who cannot be named.
Like a dumbass I poked back. I'm a Big Dummy (TM).

It's amazing how such a small thing can just throw me completely for a loop. She needs to just leave me alone because it's killing me ~ oh so slowly.. it's completely destroying me.

Nevermind. I'll try to get her out of my mind by watching 4 episodes of Heroes back to back. :P

Alot of things can change over time....

You Are 68% Healthy

Your diet is quite healthy, but you don't too crazy with what you eat. You know how to eat what's good for you, but you're also careful not to deprive yourself.

How Healthy Is Your Diet?

The ideas of March

I know I have not said much lately.
Wow.. I can't believe I skipped an entire year.
If you were me you would understand.

On the other hand, the only useful purpose for this blog is my own self reflection.
I should certainly use it more often, and be alot more verbose. Use it. Improve it. Move on. Carry forward.

Just a few words:
Girl is gone, I don't do enough for her. Alot of master/slave issues.
Art output is therefore increasing dramatically (more time for myself)
I turned 40 just a few days ago. Don't feel different.
I'm pretty lonely and very sad most of the time. Bummer.
not suicidal. Good.
Life does seem pointless however. Darn.
I drink too much. Easy to fix.
I should stop and take a new course of action.
That would be wise, huh. :)

I live.

Landshark

Cannot understand how to talk to her.  It has become my problem, I internalize the emotions and make it impossible for myself to deal with it.

Her introduction to this landmark thing was even before she broke up with me, I think. She knew the new boyfriend and he influenced her. That's just a pathetic assumption though. I keep telling myself it's not my fault that she left, but it keeps coming around and I am pitifully crying to myself. Why would she come back to try to become my friend now? Why would she cheat on me TWICE almost THREE times... And she says that part died a long time ago. Her actions completely say otherwise. At that split second moment she says things that fit the moment and make the moment completely right to her. Who is she lying to, herself or the target? So in the end it's really the same thing where she is just lying to everyone else to make herself feel good, or to feel right... or for that matter.. BE RIGHT. I don't know how deep it goes in her psyche. It's really beyond me at this point and there is no way to talk to her.

This Landmark thing is supposed to make her understand / feel that she's not right, regardless of the fact that she may be right. So there is a big problem here. She is unrelenting, she cannot give it up being right, she cannot truly give in to the LM thing, even though it promises release from the pain or controversy. According to LM though, once you have embraced something fully you can just let it go. (they call this completion) Just like she let me go, she can let go of everything she thinks is bad. However, If you are human you can't let go. Things need to be worked on, don't they? We need to learn from our mistakes, right? In LM if you go by those simple rules nothing you do can ever be wrong (and you aren't really learning from your life!). This is REALLY bad. This is someone else's lie you are living, once again you avoid the central issue and postpone the revelation of honesty and real growth. Postpone the real truth in front of you. Life is meaningless, really. We are here for such a short time. The small happinesses we have had we should cherish and hold dear. Everything you have done in your life up to this point... you are going to throw that away as well, I suppose.

That's really fucked up.

I'm so broken over this. Well, that's fine really. Nobody controls you except for you. If you adhere to LM doublespeak, then LM controls you I suppose. But you don't see it that way. (You're not supposed to see that, that's the point.) That's LM's plan for you this week, this month, this year, this decade, this life. Now when can we arrange a payment schedule? They want you to come back because they love to brainwash you... and have you pay for the convenience!

I hope you can afford it, both financially and psychologically.
I am really afraid for my best friend. It's like I never knew her at all. :(
------------------
But what about me? Why am I writing this? Why does this hurt me so? Do I really love her? What is love, anyways?

Why I am writing this is pretty obvious. I'm completely confused. I'm not sure at this point whether to believe the LM thing in her or not. I love her so deeply and trust her judgement to such an extent that it gives some creedence to her decisions. Of course like a stupid happy puppy I follow her life, still.

Do I really love her? Well. Not the way she is right now. I don't know who she is. I'm in love with a ghost. I'm in love with a memory. How's that for very sad? I question the point behind everything now.

What is love? I need to be with her. Not sex, but just around. There's a yearning for closeness for sure, there is sexual yearning as well, but not all of the time. We 'connect'. My heart pounds when I am around her. I love the little things that she does. We touch each other's minds and emotions in a way that I cannot describe. But how is that special, huh? That can happen with anyone, can't it? Right? Can't it? If so ~ then I'm replaceable. And so is she, huh. (now that's a revelation) And here I thought we were something special. We don't connect anymore. When she speaks it's all weird to me and there is nothing behind it. It's like she's not doing the speaking. I called her an empty box. I called her a nothing. LM has brainwashed her. She has lost her identity. I'm so sad because she's gone. If the person I once knew is dead, then why can't I let go? Why can't I just go on?

Beyond that my heart aches... I cannot explain the love and what it really is, it just exists and I'm living with it every day. Vainly I hold on to a dream I once had, a dream of us being together forever. I did not really hold together my end of the bargain too well, though. That's pretty fucked, huh. I feel bad about that. There are things I could have done to fix the situation, but she pounded on me so badly and for so long. She did not really hold her end of the bargain either.

Honestly I'm not sure I could have done anything at all to fix those situations we ran into. She needed so many things and I was the one who was supposed to provide them. The Daddy replacement. (She does not even want to talk to her real father, he left when she was 2 or something like that. Fill in the psychological blanks if you'd like, they are most likely true.) She was so angry at so many things. This new Landmark thing gives her the tools to placate the anger, but in my opinion it's not really facing and dealing with the anger, it's just sweeping it under the rug ~ Sidestepping like she's always done before. Except this time it's got a real sense of validity. It's a real method. It's a real treatment. It's totally true! Lots of people are doing it and there are results!!! It's obvious, isn't it? How can it not be good?

It can totally not be good. It's based on the 70's est (Erhard Seminars Training).  Some of your parents may have heard of est.


Werner Erhard

In 1981 est became Landmark Education.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Erhard_Seminars_Training

http://www.rickross.com/reference/landmark/landmark72.html

April 24, 1996


The two groups for which the Chicago-based Cult Awareness Network receives the most inquiries - about 25 a month each - are Scientology and Landmark, says Cynthia Kisser, executive director of CAN. She's quick to note that not all of the calls are complaints - but then, Landmark has a $40 million suit pending against CAN and Kisser in the Illinois courts.

"Some calls are from people who are considering attending, or have a family member involved and just want more information," Kisser says. "We even get a few rare calls from people who praise Landmark."

"But I have to say the majority are from people with complaints, who want to know what they can do about it…Often they're families or friends who have lost contact, or are losing contact, with someone they love."

Landmark has sued CAN, which came to prominence following the Jonestown massacre when a number of like-minded groups, including a chapter in Denver, decided to pool resources, on the grounds that CAN's activities are intended to prevent people from attending Landmark seminars, and therefore hurt business.

Among other things, Landmark charges that CAN identified est/Landmark as a "cult," although only by inference, by distributing a packet of photocopied newspaper and magazine reports about Landmark.

That packet even comes with a disclaimer from CAN: "The opinions in this public service packet…do not necessarily reflect the opinions of the Cult Awareness Network, its staff, directors or advisors. The compilation of a packet on a particular group does not necessarily mean that it is a cult or is destructive, only that CAN receives inquiries about it."

The cost of fighting Landmark's lawsuit has helped send CAN into Chapter 11 bankruptcy, and Kisser, who is named in the suit, has to pay for her own defense. Noting that even a lawsuit can't get blood from a turnip, Kisser says she thinks Landmark's real objective is not to recover money for its wounded reputation but to gag critics.

But Kisser's not about to shut up.

It's not important whether Landmark can be labeled a cult in the strict definition of the word, she says. Of greater concern to her group are Landmark's practices. In particular, Kisser points to the long hours during which the participant is in the organization's total control, receiving input from only one source, removed from any support system except for the seminar group itself.

"When you're fatigued, you do not process information in the same way as when you're fresh and alert," she says. "isolated from family and friends, manipulated to elicit a lot of strong emotional responses, you tend to bond with the group…you are punished or rewarded by how well you alter your attitudes to conform to the group."

What about people who report being "aglow" and energized at the end of The Forum's three-day introductory session? "But of course," says Kisser. "You have all this emotional baggage tied up with the group and now, because you're thinking like them, you're accepted…The need to feel accepted and safe, especially when we're tired and having been stressed for three days, is very human."

The results are self-fulfilling if not necessarily real, she continues: "Imagine you've had very little contact with anyone else during this very stressful situation, so you've bonded with your group. Now everyone around you is experiencing 'breakthroughs' and accepted with love by the group. You don't want to be the only one left out in the cold, so you have a 'breakthrough,' too,"

Armed with a "new" language and a world-view shared only by other graduates of The Forum, participants tend to alter relationships with friends and family who don't "get it" or don't want to. Says Kisser, "We get a lot of calls like, 'My wife took the course, and now she seems different…I can't talk to her.'"

Landmark's schedule is calculated, Kisser says. The Forum is set up so that after the three-day seminar, participants have a day's break during which they are supposed to go out and practice what they've learned. The participants impress their friends and family with their "transformation" - however short-lived it might be - and then return for a Tuesday evening "graduation," where they are encouraged to bring ten people. Those ten people, of course, will hear more participants talking about the amazing changes in their lives - and then sign up themselves.

But if what Landmark has to sell is worth-while, Kisser contends, it could be presented in a way that allows people to make rational decisions, say, during eight-hour sessions with plenty of time for breaks and gathering outside points of view.

"If Landmark is an 'educational' organization, as they claim," she adds, "why are they a for-profit business reaping the rewards of thousands and thousands of volunteers who devote long periods of time away from their businesses and families?" Even if the obligation is only implied, she says, these volunteers feel they must prove their loyalty and the degree of their personal "transformation" by bringing in new members.

"What for-profit business do you know that has the majority of its people working for free?"

I remember so many things when I concentrate. I really was not there either, huh.
These issues are so complex and so built up. I wish she did not need the answer so bad that she would do stupid LGAT seminars and abandon people. I've been abandoned.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/LGAT

Everytime I think about her the tears start welling up and my chest tightens... It's complete psychobabble and I have nowhere to turn.



ZzZzZz... I still have hope, though. It may take years to get beyond this situation no matter which way it goes. Finding myself has never been harder.

Cascade

Just when I think it's ok, I break out in a cascade of tears.
I fall to my knees amongst the clothing racks.
The frail purses and leather display to you who you want to be.
Prices for everything. Everything can be bought.

Alone and anonymous I cry,
I fall clumsily amongst the racks.
The child runs and hides between the dresses.
Nobody sees where he hides.

My agony is mine alone.
I am nothing to you... However

It lasts for just ten seconds.
Then I regain my senses.
My faculty.
My being.

Move on, there is nothing to see here.
Goodbye.

Excerpt

The need to make artwork.... it's a struggle these days
The fullness is gone, I'm deflated by her removal.
It's sad to be so in love with such an oblivious person.
The clue she lacks is the clue I have.
But when she is gone there is no place to put myself, I am naked to my mortality.
Damnit
I don't want to think about this.
I don't want the love anymore, she has proven the uselessness of it.
It has to be looked at, I think.
But.... I've been looking at it for months... weeks
I feel pathetic, worthless, weak.

Trudging through the days, it seems endless.
When will the zombie wake up from the death dream?
Wake from the dream of oblivion.
The endless struggle continues and I'm not sure I will survive this time intact.
I am falling apart all of the time and struggling to rebuild myself as I go.
The standard cycle. It gets very tiring.

oh, scary shit indeed.

The hunger for spiritual guidance and relief from varying degrees of despair and fear are often what impels people to explore religious and secular self-improvement groups. Yet the leaders of these groups typically do not attempt to help the seeker explore and make sense of the difficulties that have led him to seek spiritual consolation or self-improvement. Rather, the cult leader exploits the seeker's emotional vulnerabilities and seduces the seeker into a state of dependence. Promising the acquisition of success and power, salvation and redemption, or relief from frustration and inhibition, the leader persuades followers that the leader's self-proclaimed perfection can belong to the follower as well. All one must do is totally embrace the leader's ideology. In cults, this always means securing the leader's favor by enthusiastically agreeing to recruit others to the leader's program.

http://www.danielshawlcsw.com/traumatic_abuse.htm

But why do I still pound on that closed door??? Nobody is answering!

Watching Smallville.
That newspaper editor chick is HOT in so many ways. :)


Allison Mack

Strange Dream

I'm a date changing bastard, but this seemed really like something I needed to get out in the open. I don't really care what people think. I'm so manly.

Strange dream - 01.08.08



Angela and I were having dinner, but she had to leave early to go out with a girlfriend. She left, I finished up eating and paid the bill. When I got back to our apartment I saw Angela frozen in mid-stride with her one leg up on the bed, pulling on a stocking. Her head was nodded off slightly and it appeared as if she went to sleep in that position. Weird, she looked so uncomfortable, I asked myself why would she fall asleep in that position? I went in and looked at her, she had completely fallen asleep! Her eyes were like half open, you how that happens when you are watching someone sleeping. It's creepy. It's weird. I woke her up and she proceeded to attack me with kisses. But then she stopped and said, "Your breath stinks!" Sigh. I resignedly went into the bathroom to brush my teeth.

I immediately woke up. another 5 hour limit rest period. Suck.

The analogies in this particular dream are inescapable.

She was so unfair to me. All I can hope is that he's unfair to her with this cult crap and it makes her see a few things about what she has done to me... Of course I brought alot of this onto myself. She never loved me. I was a buffer zone in her dire need to escape from her own lonliness. Or maybe it was the other way around.

In any case the surface feeling is gone. I hurt no longer, really. I guess acceptance is bliss, huh. I'm left with the pathetic core of feeling stripped away from the sweaty need to be close to her to prove my veracity to her and put myself into her and make her mine. And you know what? I still have great *love* for her even after the loss of that particular physical need. Oh, that's love, huh. Stripped of everything my mind is less cloudy and polluted. I see you, little girl. I love you, little girl. It's really too bad she can't stop to see me. As trapped as she is she will never surrender. It's not so urgent right now. I am secure in what I feel even without her presence.

I deleted my IM account on Yahoo to remove surfdj21. Goodbye.
I made a new one where I surreptitiously watch the surfdj21. Hello.
I'm pretty fucked.

Damn I wish I could type better, if that were the case there would be so much more recorded here. But this is the fact, I have not alot to say since it's too damn tedious, it always comes out wrong, completely mangled like my relationships. :/

Goodbye, Channing.
See you soon enough when we meet our maker.

Damn I really want to make some pasta, but it's fucking 3:30am and I need to sleep so I can be rested for work at 11:00am.

Grr.