Strange dream - 01.08.08
Angela and I were having dinner, but she had to leave early to go out with a girlfriend. She left, I finished up eating and paid the bill. When I got back to our apartment I saw Angela frozen in mid-stride with her one leg up on the bed, pulling on a stocking. Her head was nodded off slightly and it appeared as if she went to sleep in that position. Weird, she looked so uncomfortable, I asked myself why would she fall asleep in that position? I went in and looked at her, she had completely fallen asleep! Her eyes were like half open, you how that happens when you are watching someone sleeping. It's creepy. It's weird. I woke her up and she proceeded to attack me with kisses. But then she stopped and said, "Your breath stinks!" Sigh. I resignedly went into the bathroom to brush my teeth.
I immediately woke up. another 5 hour limit rest period. Suck.
The analogies in this particular dream are inescapable.
She was so unfair to me. All I can hope is that he's unfair to her with this cult crap and it makes her see a few things about what she has done to me... Of course I brought alot of this onto myself. She never loved me. I was a buffer zone in her dire need to escape from her own lonliness. Or maybe it was the other way around.
In any case the surface feeling is gone. I hurt no longer, really. I guess acceptance is bliss, huh. I'm left with the pathetic core of feeling stripped away from the sweaty need to be close to her to prove my veracity to her and put myself into her and make her mine. And you know what? I still have great *love* for her even after the loss of that particular physical need. Oh, that's love, huh. Stripped of everything my mind is less cloudy and polluted. I see you, little girl. I love you, little girl. It's really too bad she can't stop to see me. As trapped as she is she will never surrender. It's not so urgent right now. I am secure in what I feel even without her presence.
I deleted my IM account on Yahoo to remove surfdj21. Goodbye.
I made a new one where I surreptitiously watch the surfdj21. Hello.
I'm pretty fucked.
Damn I wish I could type better, if that were the case there would be so much more recorded here. But this is the fact, I have not alot to say since it's too damn tedious, it always comes out wrong, completely mangled like my relationships. :/
Goodbye, Channing.
See you soon enough when we meet our maker.
Damn I really want to make some pasta, but it's fucking 3:30am and I need to sleep so I can be rested for work at 11:00am.
Grr.
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