Her introduction to this landmark thing was even before she broke up with me, I think. She knew the new boyfriend and he influenced her. That's just a pathetic assumption though. I keep telling myself it's not my fault that she left, but it keeps coming around and I am pitifully crying to myself. Why would she come back to try to become my friend now? Why would she cheat on me TWICE almost THREE times... And she says that part died a long time ago. Her actions completely say otherwise. At that split second moment she says things that fit the moment and make the moment completely right to her. Who is she lying to, herself or the target? So in the end it's really the same thing where she is just lying to everyone else to make herself feel good, or to feel right... or for that matter.. BE RIGHT. I don't know how deep it goes in her psyche. It's really beyond me at this point and there is no way to talk to her.
This Landmark thing is supposed to make her understand / feel that she's not right, regardless of the fact that she may be right. So there is a big problem here. She is unrelenting, she cannot give it up being right, she cannot truly give in to the LM thing, even though it promises release from the pain or controversy. According to LM though, once you have embraced something fully you can just let it go. (they call this completion) Just like she let me go, she can let go of everything she thinks is bad. However, If you are human you can't let go. Things need to be worked on, don't they? We need to learn from our mistakes, right? In LM if you go by those simple rules nothing you do can ever be wrong (and you aren't really learning from your life!). This is REALLY bad. This is someone else's lie you are living, once again you avoid the central issue and postpone the revelation of honesty and real growth. Postpone the real truth in front of you. Life is meaningless, really. We are here for such a short time. The small happinesses we have had we should cherish and hold dear. Everything you have done in your life up to this point... you are going to throw that away as well, I suppose.
That's really fucked up.
I'm so broken over this. Well, that's fine really. Nobody controls you except for you. If you adhere to LM doublespeak, then LM controls you I suppose. But you don't see it that way. (You're not supposed to see that, that's the point.) That's LM's plan for you this week, this month, this year, this decade, this life. Now when can we arrange a payment schedule? They want you to come back because they love to brainwash you... and have you pay for the convenience!
I hope you can afford it, both financially and psychologically.
I am really afraid for my best friend. It's like I never knew her at all. :(
------------------
But what about me? Why am I writing this? Why does this hurt me so? Do I really love her? What is love, anyways?
Why I am writing this is pretty obvious. I'm completely confused. I'm not sure at this point whether to believe the LM thing in her or not. I love her so deeply and trust her judgement to such an extent that it gives some creedence to her decisions. Of course like a stupid happy puppy I follow her life, still.
Do I really love her? Well. Not the way she is right now. I don't know who she is. I'm in love with a ghost. I'm in love with a memory. How's that for very sad? I question the point behind everything now.
What is love? I need to be with her. Not sex, but just around. There's a yearning for closeness for sure, there is sexual yearning as well, but not all of the time. We 'connect'. My heart pounds when I am around her. I love the little things that she does. We touch each other's minds and emotions in a way that I cannot describe. But how is that special, huh? That can happen with anyone, can't it? Right? Can't it? If so ~ then I'm replaceable. And so is she, huh. (now that's a revelation) And here I thought we were something special. We don't connect anymore. When she speaks it's all weird to me and there is nothing behind it. It's like she's not doing the speaking. I called her an empty box. I called her a nothing. LM has brainwashed her. She has lost her identity. I'm so sad because she's gone. If the person I once knew is dead, then why can't I let go? Why can't I just go on?
Beyond that my heart aches... I cannot explain the love and what it really is, it just exists and I'm living with it every day. Vainly I hold on to a dream I once had, a dream of us being together forever. I did not really hold together my end of the bargain too well, though. That's pretty fucked, huh. I feel bad about that. There are things I could have done to fix the situation, but she pounded on me so badly and for so long. She did not really hold her end of the bargain either.
Honestly I'm not sure I could have done anything at all to fix those situations we ran into. She needed so many things and I was the one who was supposed to provide them. The Daddy replacement. (She does not even want to talk to her real father, he left when she was 2 or something like that. Fill in the psychological blanks if you'd like, they are most likely true.) She was so angry at so many things. This new Landmark thing gives her the tools to placate the anger, but in my opinion it's not really facing and dealing with the anger, it's just sweeping it under the rug ~ Sidestepping like she's always done before. Except this time it's got a real sense of validity. It's a real method. It's a real treatment. It's totally true! Lots of people are doing it and there are results!!! It's obvious, isn't it? How can it not be good?
It can totally not be good. It's based on the 70's est (Erhard Seminars Training). Some of your parents may have heard of est.
Werner Erhard
In 1981 est became Landmark Education.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Erhard_Seminars_Training
http://www.rickross.com/reference/landmark/landmark72.html
April 24, 1996
The two groups for which the Chicago-based Cult Awareness Network receives the most inquiries - about 25 a month each - are Scientology and Landmark, says Cynthia Kisser, executive director of CAN. She's quick to note that not all of the calls are complaints - but then, Landmark has a $40 million suit pending against CAN and Kisser in the Illinois courts.
"Some calls are from people who are considering attending, or have a family member involved and just want more information," Kisser says. "We even get a few rare calls from people who praise Landmark."
"But I have to say the majority are from people with complaints, who want to know what they can do about it…Often they're families or friends who have lost contact, or are losing contact, with someone they love."
Landmark has sued CAN, which came to prominence following the Jonestown massacre when a number of like-minded groups, including a chapter in Denver, decided to pool resources, on the grounds that CAN's activities are intended to prevent people from attending Landmark seminars, and therefore hurt business.
Among other things, Landmark charges that CAN identified est/Landmark as a "cult," although only by inference, by distributing a packet of photocopied newspaper and magazine reports about Landmark.
That packet even comes with a disclaimer from CAN: "The opinions in this public service packet…do not necessarily reflect the opinions of the Cult Awareness Network, its staff, directors or advisors. The compilation of a packet on a particular group does not necessarily mean that it is a cult or is destructive, only that CAN receives inquiries about it."
The cost of fighting Landmark's lawsuit has helped send CAN into Chapter 11 bankruptcy, and Kisser, who is named in the suit, has to pay for her own defense. Noting that even a lawsuit can't get blood from a turnip, Kisser says she thinks Landmark's real objective is not to recover money for its wounded reputation but to gag critics.
But Kisser's not about to shut up.
It's not important whether Landmark can be labeled a cult in the strict definition of the word, she says. Of greater concern to her group are Landmark's practices. In particular, Kisser points to the long hours during which the participant is in the organization's total control, receiving input from only one source, removed from any support system except for the seminar group itself.
"When you're fatigued, you do not process information in the same way as when you're fresh and alert," she says. "isolated from family and friends, manipulated to elicit a lot of strong emotional responses, you tend to bond with the group…you are punished or rewarded by how well you alter your attitudes to conform to the group."
What about people who report being "aglow" and energized at the end of The Forum's three-day introductory session? "But of course," says Kisser. "You have all this emotional baggage tied up with the group and now, because you're thinking like them, you're accepted…The need to feel accepted and safe, especially when we're tired and having been stressed for three days, is very human."
The results are self-fulfilling if not necessarily real, she continues: "Imagine you've had very little contact with anyone else during this very stressful situation, so you've bonded with your group. Now everyone around you is experiencing 'breakthroughs' and accepted with love by the group. You don't want to be the only one left out in the cold, so you have a 'breakthrough,' too,"
Armed with a "new" language and a world-view shared only by other graduates of The Forum, participants tend to alter relationships with friends and family who don't "get it" or don't want to. Says Kisser, "We get a lot of calls like, 'My wife took the course, and now she seems different…I can't talk to her.'"
Landmark's schedule is calculated, Kisser says. The Forum is set up so that after the three-day seminar, participants have a day's break during which they are supposed to go out and practice what they've learned. The participants impress their friends and family with their "transformation" - however short-lived it might be - and then return for a Tuesday evening "graduation," where they are encouraged to bring ten people. Those ten people, of course, will hear more participants talking about the amazing changes in their lives - and then sign up themselves.
But if what Landmark has to sell is worth-while, Kisser contends, it could be presented in a way that allows people to make rational decisions, say, during eight-hour sessions with plenty of time for breaks and gathering outside points of view.
"If Landmark is an 'educational' organization, as they claim," she adds, "why are they a for-profit business reaping the rewards of thousands and thousands of volunteers who devote long periods of time away from their businesses and families?" Even if the obligation is only implied, she says, these volunteers feel they must prove their loyalty and the degree of their personal "transformation" by bringing in new members.
"What for-profit business do you know that has the majority of its people working for free?"
I remember so many things when I concentrate. I really was not there either, huh.
These issues are so complex and so built up. I wish she did not need the answer so bad that she would do stupid LGAT seminars and abandon people. I've been abandoned.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/LGAT
Everytime I think about her the tears start welling up and my chest tightens... It's complete psychobabble and I have nowhere to turn.
ZzZzZz... I still have hope, though. It may take years to get beyond this situation no matter which way it goes. Finding myself has never been harder.
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