Cascade

Just when I think it's ok, I break out in a cascade of tears.
I fall to my knees amongst the clothing racks.
The frail purses and leather display to you who you want to be.
Prices for everything. Everything can be bought.

Alone and anonymous I cry,
I fall clumsily amongst the racks.
The child runs and hides between the dresses.
Nobody sees where he hides.

My agony is mine alone.
I am nothing to you... However

It lasts for just ten seconds.
Then I regain my senses.
My faculty.
My being.

Move on, there is nothing to see here.
Goodbye.

Excerpt

The need to make artwork.... it's a struggle these days
The fullness is gone, I'm deflated by her removal.
It's sad to be so in love with such an oblivious person.
The clue she lacks is the clue I have.
But when she is gone there is no place to put myself, I am naked to my mortality.
Damnit
I don't want to think about this.
I don't want the love anymore, she has proven the uselessness of it.
It has to be looked at, I think.
But.... I've been looking at it for months... weeks
I feel pathetic, worthless, weak.

Trudging through the days, it seems endless.
When will the zombie wake up from the death dream?
Wake from the dream of oblivion.
The endless struggle continues and I'm not sure I will survive this time intact.
I am falling apart all of the time and struggling to rebuild myself as I go.
The standard cycle. It gets very tiring.

oh, scary shit indeed.

The hunger for spiritual guidance and relief from varying degrees of despair and fear are often what impels people to explore religious and secular self-improvement groups. Yet the leaders of these groups typically do not attempt to help the seeker explore and make sense of the difficulties that have led him to seek spiritual consolation or self-improvement. Rather, the cult leader exploits the seeker's emotional vulnerabilities and seduces the seeker into a state of dependence. Promising the acquisition of success and power, salvation and redemption, or relief from frustration and inhibition, the leader persuades followers that the leader's self-proclaimed perfection can belong to the follower as well. All one must do is totally embrace the leader's ideology. In cults, this always means securing the leader's favor by enthusiastically agreeing to recruit others to the leader's program.

http://www.danielshawlcsw.com/traumatic_abuse.htm

But why do I still pound on that closed door??? Nobody is answering!

Watching Smallville.
That newspaper editor chick is HOT in so many ways. :)


Allison Mack

Strange Dream

I'm a date changing bastard, but this seemed really like something I needed to get out in the open. I don't really care what people think. I'm so manly.

Strange dream - 01.08.08



Angela and I were having dinner, but she had to leave early to go out with a girlfriend. She left, I finished up eating and paid the bill. When I got back to our apartment I saw Angela frozen in mid-stride with her one leg up on the bed, pulling on a stocking. Her head was nodded off slightly and it appeared as if she went to sleep in that position. Weird, she looked so uncomfortable, I asked myself why would she fall asleep in that position? I went in and looked at her, she had completely fallen asleep! Her eyes were like half open, you how that happens when you are watching someone sleeping. It's creepy. It's weird. I woke her up and she proceeded to attack me with kisses. But then she stopped and said, "Your breath stinks!" Sigh. I resignedly went into the bathroom to brush my teeth.

I immediately woke up. another 5 hour limit rest period. Suck.

The analogies in this particular dream are inescapable.

She was so unfair to me. All I can hope is that he's unfair to her with this cult crap and it makes her see a few things about what she has done to me... Of course I brought alot of this onto myself. She never loved me. I was a buffer zone in her dire need to escape from her own lonliness. Or maybe it was the other way around.

In any case the surface feeling is gone. I hurt no longer, really. I guess acceptance is bliss, huh. I'm left with the pathetic core of feeling stripped away from the sweaty need to be close to her to prove my veracity to her and put myself into her and make her mine. And you know what? I still have great *love* for her even after the loss of that particular physical need. Oh, that's love, huh. Stripped of everything my mind is less cloudy and polluted. I see you, little girl. I love you, little girl. It's really too bad she can't stop to see me. As trapped as she is she will never surrender. It's not so urgent right now. I am secure in what I feel even without her presence.

I deleted my IM account on Yahoo to remove surfdj21. Goodbye.
I made a new one where I surreptitiously watch the surfdj21. Hello.
I'm pretty fucked.

Damn I wish I could type better, if that were the case there would be so much more recorded here. But this is the fact, I have not alot to say since it's too damn tedious, it always comes out wrong, completely mangled like my relationships. :/

Goodbye, Channing.
See you soon enough when we meet our maker.

Damn I really want to make some pasta, but it's fucking 3:30am and I need to sleep so I can be rested for work at 11:00am.

Grr.