Current mood: betrayed
Sitting in front of a glowing keyboard... reading news, watching the goings-ons of other people's lives. Drinking a very nice Merlot. Trying not to think about someone. It's halfway working. She's not that important. She's not that GREAT.
Thinking in codes, speaking in tongues. Trying to conceal my interests.
Wondering whether I should attempt to draw something, I have such huge resources inside and in front of me... And then I catch myself. I ask myself, 'what for? (no) What does this do for me? (no) Does it fix anything? (no) Does anyone see me sitting here? (no) What's the point?' (no)
GREAT. CATCH-22's at every turn.
All my art has ever done has given me a record to look back on, something to be sorrowful about. (yes) Great. (yes) This is a wonderful perspective I have given myself. (yes) This is what it's like for Eric to feel. (yes) This is what it's like to be an 'artist'. (yes) Oh, he's so cool, he's an artist. (yes) Fuck that. (yes) Nobody knows. (yes) Nobody cares. (yes) Nobody sees the infinite possibilities like I do. (yes) Nobody can feel like I do. (yes) Nobody ever gets close, nobody dares. (Sorry Henry.)
(yes)
So here I am holding my own balls once again like a friggin' stupid numbnut. Fuck the world. What was the point again? Please tell me. Your answer will mean completely nothing... once again. GREAT.
(about) Fuck the world.
You know the abbreviated phrase 'FTW'? When I first saw it on the internet I thought it meant "Fuck the World". Now I know it means "For the Win". That first interpretation illustrates so much. I'm such a positive asshole shit person, huh. GREAT.
ANGER.
Tired. I just need some sleep. I was trying so hard to get to sleep last night, but it completely escaped me until 6am or so. I was up by 9:30am to get to work at 10. GREAT.
I fixed so many stupid easy things at work over the past week.
1. Removed Novell Netware from operation. Replaced with a windows 2003 server with Win 2k clients. easy. BIG. GREAT.
2. Implemented an offsite backup system that works with a shell script that automatically compresses and dates files for upload to the remote server at 2am. yawn. 10 minutes to find out windows shell environment support SUCKS. Fuck you sincerely Microsoft. Wish it were Linux. GREAT.
How come I am the one always doing the big crap? People seem so useless sometimes.
It's so hard to be without... and the fact is there is no belief in the sanctity of love.. the sacredness of it. There is no romance, huh? Get a fucking clue.
So much for love, I need to abandon it, huh.
GREAT.
Click. Click. Click.
Dash. Dot. Dash.
Speaking in codes. Working it out. Yes, I'm completely dense.
Still in love. GREAT.
great love. Crashing apart while coming together. Ad infinatum.
And what I am thinking about right now... is lazy days at Ikea buying carpets and plants.
It was always that simplicity that pleased me.
12.19.2007
12.12.2007
About Going Bye-Bye
When someone loves someone else, it's through thick and thin. The feeling cannot be dissuaded. The feeling cannot be abolished. I thought that love was about honesty and integrity, even honor possibly. I thought that it was about not betraying trust. I thought it was not about being selfish in the face of adversity. I thought it was about loyalty. I thought I never ever betrayed that trust. I thought I was always there, always accessible. I suppose someone else never thought about me the way I thought about her. I thought it was supposed to be forever. Now I can see the situation rather clearly and I know it's all about never. What it's really about then?? It's about someone's need to be taken care of. It's about someone elses fear of doing it 'alone'. Even though we would have been together, we would have been in reality alone. I suppose it's my own existential process of thought, my own existential angst that destroyed it. I fucked it up because I'm too damn independent and she did not love me enough.
Sure I would have been around to hug and hold her tight, but her trust in me just was not there to take her through the hard times that I had. I ran too silent, I ran too deep. The troubled times where things just became way too much for either of us were a big problem. Her doubt became unmanageable. I could not be her shining knight in armor every waking moment. And she was always the princess needing to be pampered, spoon fed, told that everything is going to be alright. Where is the responsibility? She has never once taken care of herself through life. Taken responsibility.
Three years ago I saw her first in a particularly bad place, living in her grandfather's empty house while he was in the nursing home, living there scot-free. She was waiting tables. She had a 2 year old child borne out of wedlock. Not a good thing in a healthy Christian community if such a thing exists. I was in love with her. Then things became hard. Her grandfather was dying. Therefore the family was going to boot her out to sell the house and the burden of her upkeep became mine. She moved in because I let her, this was the wrong decision on my part, but I loved her... She never took care of herself. She never took care of the house, it was a wreck. I was coming home to a mess consistently. I kicked her out after 2 months, I was determined that she had to become self sufficient, maybe in my own way I was trying to knock some sense into her, make her more self aware.
After this was a golden age, at least to me. She got a place in Vallejo, a nice apartment on her own, she was on welfare, going to Community College and her school grants & loans were taking care of her. This is an important point. Loans. Grants. Another example of borrowed time, this will discombobulate on her eventually, and pretty massively I think if this pattern continues on it's current course. Oh, well, the man of your moment will shoulder that burden, won't he?
She had a situation recently one Wednesday where E. was sick and she could not miss a class. Sadly enough I am a huge stupid idiot and took the 'bait' to take care of him and drive her to class.... When seeing her life situation I could not avoid the nagging thought that she's been falling apart inside. It's like that video of the breaking vase that goes forward and then goes back wards, then forwards, then backwards. It's a trainwreck. And outside it shows. She could barely take care of herself. Her hair was greasy and unkempt. Her clothes were out of sorts and 'unchosen' if you know what I mean. Her place was a massive wreck. She could not do the dishes. Empty water bottles. Empty microwaveable cartons. Where is her new housecleaning hubby? She could not keep up with her studies. She made a 'D' grade on a recent exam. "This never happens" so she said. She could not keep the faith in her new relationship. I know this one first hand. She cheated with me on him like she cheated on me with whoever. People don't change do they. Of course I was privy to all of these silly shenanigans. She came to me with her new relationship problems STILL even after betraying my love and trust so badly. I am such an incredible moron for caring so much and laying myself on the line again and again. I open my heart just so she can slide the dagger in silently again and again. Use me, use me. For whatever, just because I like being close.
And I still love her, you know.
While there I looked at all of the empty trojan wrappers on the floor and on the shelves next to the bed. Her dirty underwear on the floor. I see those small things. I see his tiny love notes and his scratched out mistake poems in tiny tiny writing to her. He seems desperate too. I can tell. I see the insanity and the doubt, and you know it just breaks my heart completely. I still love her even through this impossibly difficult situation. Why did she even come to me? Why am I even a choice anymore? I don't exist, do I? Hrmmm... I seem to exist still to her. And he's mad that I spent all day with her, trying to glimpse a single shred of sanity between us, what we once had. Well, he should be mad, huh. We had a good time and went out to eat. He's not enough for her raging spirit. She will outgrow him eventually. Or is it that she will stop pretending to be someone else and wake up to what I believe to be the truth? Regardless, though. I need some...
Honesty.
with Myself.
I need to leave it alone. I need to leave her alone. I need to leave her be. I don't know what's right for her. It's her battle and if I continue to attempt a plea bargain with her I will be utterly destroyed. If she sees it as a battle even. She does not know what the problem is, she's so blind to her own need to be taken care of. Fucking princess. She substantiated it years ago, authoritatively ~ "Of course I'm a princess, I'm worth it".
No, honey. If you don't make value in yourself and to yourself ~ then you are worthless. Lay down your body one more time so we can all take a long look. You pay for the trivial life experience again and again, Trample on my heart again just for good measure. Your life isn't about love, it's just about your fear of survival. It's about your fear of lack. It's about your fear of death. It's about that big hole in your heart. Only you can conquer it. Only you can destroy your own demons. Only you can fill that hole, and it's not about someone else filling your hole, pun intended. But instead you postpone the confrontation again and again while masquerading it under the pretense of 'true love' or whatever it is you figure it to be.
I'm so tired of encountering these broken people. I realize I'm just as broken too, though. Fuck me and my judgemental self. I am completely doomed.
Because I still love you, you know. But love cannot exist without trust. So I need to go bye bye now.
Sure I would have been around to hug and hold her tight, but her trust in me just was not there to take her through the hard times that I had. I ran too silent, I ran too deep. The troubled times where things just became way too much for either of us were a big problem. Her doubt became unmanageable. I could not be her shining knight in armor every waking moment. And she was always the princess needing to be pampered, spoon fed, told that everything is going to be alright. Where is the responsibility? She has never once taken care of herself through life. Taken responsibility.
Three years ago I saw her first in a particularly bad place, living in her grandfather's empty house while he was in the nursing home, living there scot-free. She was waiting tables. She had a 2 year old child borne out of wedlock. Not a good thing in a healthy Christian community if such a thing exists. I was in love with her. Then things became hard. Her grandfather was dying. Therefore the family was going to boot her out to sell the house and the burden of her upkeep became mine. She moved in because I let her, this was the wrong decision on my part, but I loved her... She never took care of herself. She never took care of the house, it was a wreck. I was coming home to a mess consistently. I kicked her out after 2 months, I was determined that she had to become self sufficient, maybe in my own way I was trying to knock some sense into her, make her more self aware.
After this was a golden age, at least to me. She got a place in Vallejo, a nice apartment on her own, she was on welfare, going to Community College and her school grants & loans were taking care of her. This is an important point. Loans. Grants. Another example of borrowed time, this will discombobulate on her eventually, and pretty massively I think if this pattern continues on it's current course. Oh, well, the man of your moment will shoulder that burden, won't he?
She had a situation recently one Wednesday where E. was sick and she could not miss a class. Sadly enough I am a huge stupid idiot and took the 'bait' to take care of him and drive her to class.... When seeing her life situation I could not avoid the nagging thought that she's been falling apart inside. It's like that video of the breaking vase that goes forward and then goes back wards, then forwards, then backwards. It's a trainwreck. And outside it shows. She could barely take care of herself. Her hair was greasy and unkempt. Her clothes were out of sorts and 'unchosen' if you know what I mean. Her place was a massive wreck. She could not do the dishes. Empty water bottles. Empty microwaveable cartons. Where is her new housecleaning hubby? She could not keep up with her studies. She made a 'D' grade on a recent exam. "This never happens" so she said. She could not keep the faith in her new relationship. I know this one first hand. She cheated with me on him like she cheated on me with whoever. People don't change do they. Of course I was privy to all of these silly shenanigans. She came to me with her new relationship problems STILL even after betraying my love and trust so badly. I am such an incredible moron for caring so much and laying myself on the line again and again. I open my heart just so she can slide the dagger in silently again and again. Use me, use me. For whatever, just because I like being close.
And I still love her, you know.
While there I looked at all of the empty trojan wrappers on the floor and on the shelves next to the bed. Her dirty underwear on the floor. I see those small things. I see his tiny love notes and his scratched out mistake poems in tiny tiny writing to her. He seems desperate too. I can tell. I see the insanity and the doubt, and you know it just breaks my heart completely. I still love her even through this impossibly difficult situation. Why did she even come to me? Why am I even a choice anymore? I don't exist, do I? Hrmmm... I seem to exist still to her. And he's mad that I spent all day with her, trying to glimpse a single shred of sanity between us, what we once had. Well, he should be mad, huh. We had a good time and went out to eat. He's not enough for her raging spirit. She will outgrow him eventually. Or is it that she will stop pretending to be someone else and wake up to what I believe to be the truth? Regardless, though. I need some...
Honesty.
with Myself.
I need to leave it alone. I need to leave her alone. I need to leave her be. I don't know what's right for her. It's her battle and if I continue to attempt a plea bargain with her I will be utterly destroyed. If she sees it as a battle even. She does not know what the problem is, she's so blind to her own need to be taken care of. Fucking princess. She substantiated it years ago, authoritatively ~ "Of course I'm a princess, I'm worth it".
No, honey. If you don't make value in yourself and to yourself ~ then you are worthless. Lay down your body one more time so we can all take a long look. You pay for the trivial life experience again and again, Trample on my heart again just for good measure. Your life isn't about love, it's just about your fear of survival. It's about your fear of lack. It's about your fear of death. It's about that big hole in your heart. Only you can conquer it. Only you can destroy your own demons. Only you can fill that hole, and it's not about someone else filling your hole, pun intended. But instead you postpone the confrontation again and again while masquerading it under the pretense of 'true love' or whatever it is you figure it to be.
I'm so tired of encountering these broken people. I realize I'm just as broken too, though. Fuck me and my judgemental self. I am completely doomed.
Because I still love you, you know. But love cannot exist without trust. So I need to go bye bye now.
11.15.2007
The 12 Step, Football, Couches, and a good Dictionary.
Current mood: indescribable
Over the last month I feel like I have been losing my grip on sanity. So many feelings rush through me that I cannot explain. Worries, doubt, sadness, anger, yearning, longing, nostalgia, fear, loneliness, depression. I thought I had everything, but now it seems as if I have absolutely nothing. I have had my life ripped away from me. It will definitely take some time and contemplation to recover from this loss. All I need to do right now is find my center, find out who I am once again. Find out why I am living.
I hate to be so damn melodramatic, but it hurts so bad to know I spent so much time in her life 'working' for her ~ and the realization that I put my own life on hold and I spent practically no time on myself. My free time was spent recuperating in my 'nothing box', as we both liked to label it. She was always so demanding of my time. I feel like she just sucked my soul dry, and as it happened over the years I became more and more distant and more and more angry. She never 'watered' my plant. She never saw me wither up. And she still does not understand that particular feeling pouring out of me even right now... that love I have always had for her from the first moment I saw her and got to know her on October 25, 2004. She does not understand the depth and how incredibly hard it is for me to let go of the feeling. I'm such a big fucking pussy. Time flies and we forget ourselves, we become complacent, we become bitter, we forget the point. I suppose in all reality we just were not right for each other. I have to accept that conclusion regardless of that precious moment we spent last friday morning. It's obvious she is weak to certain things and I feel badly that it had to happen like this. She had to know and I was not afraid to show it. Not afraid at all. Sorry Ang.
I don't think she loves this new guy. She just loves what he does 'for' her. I can't see her being satisfied emotionally or intellectually by him from everything she has said about him. The 12 Step, Football, Couches, and a good Dictionary. What am I talking about anyways? I don't think she ever really loved who I was either. I guess we will see what happens, that is if I can keep looking with a straight face. That is if the feeling lasts... I sure do hope it goes away since it's completely excruciating. And she tried to talk to me about her fear in her new relationship... Errr, I think I am the completely WRONG person to talk to. As if it did not stab me in the heart whenever she mentioned him. And the looking after Elijah so she could go out to a show with that guy? How is that RIGHT in anyone's universe? Always using people. She was always doing that. Why do I torture myself so by letting her back in? That new guy had better be freaked out by this behavior since it's just a small taste of what's to come later. I could go on and on and on like a broken record. Well, no more, it's cut. It's dried out, there's no more water.
I took the old photo out of the frame she gave me and replaced it with that computer drawing of her. Poetic justice, now I will never forget, eh? How could I anyways? I'm so pathetic. :/
Oh, and she forgot my last Birthday. Completely forgot.
Over the last month I feel like I have been losing my grip on sanity. So many feelings rush through me that I cannot explain. Worries, doubt, sadness, anger, yearning, longing, nostalgia, fear, loneliness, depression. I thought I had everything, but now it seems as if I have absolutely nothing. I have had my life ripped away from me. It will definitely take some time and contemplation to recover from this loss. All I need to do right now is find my center, find out who I am once again. Find out why I am living.
I hate to be so damn melodramatic, but it hurts so bad to know I spent so much time in her life 'working' for her ~ and the realization that I put my own life on hold and I spent practically no time on myself. My free time was spent recuperating in my 'nothing box', as we both liked to label it. She was always so demanding of my time. I feel like she just sucked my soul dry, and as it happened over the years I became more and more distant and more and more angry. She never 'watered' my plant. She never saw me wither up. And she still does not understand that particular feeling pouring out of me even right now... that love I have always had for her from the first moment I saw her and got to know her on October 25, 2004. She does not understand the depth and how incredibly hard it is for me to let go of the feeling. I'm such a big fucking pussy. Time flies and we forget ourselves, we become complacent, we become bitter, we forget the point. I suppose in all reality we just were not right for each other. I have to accept that conclusion regardless of that precious moment we spent last friday morning. It's obvious she is weak to certain things and I feel badly that it had to happen like this. She had to know and I was not afraid to show it. Not afraid at all. Sorry Ang.
I don't think she loves this new guy. She just loves what he does 'for' her. I can't see her being satisfied emotionally or intellectually by him from everything she has said about him. The 12 Step, Football, Couches, and a good Dictionary. What am I talking about anyways? I don't think she ever really loved who I was either. I guess we will see what happens, that is if I can keep looking with a straight face. That is if the feeling lasts... I sure do hope it goes away since it's completely excruciating. And she tried to talk to me about her fear in her new relationship... Errr, I think I am the completely WRONG person to talk to. As if it did not stab me in the heart whenever she mentioned him. And the looking after Elijah so she could go out to a show with that guy? How is that RIGHT in anyone's universe? Always using people. She was always doing that. Why do I torture myself so by letting her back in? That new guy had better be freaked out by this behavior since it's just a small taste of what's to come later. I could go on and on and on like a broken record. Well, no more, it's cut. It's dried out, there's no more water.
I took the old photo out of the frame she gave me and replaced it with that computer drawing of her. Poetic justice, now I will never forget, eh? How could I anyways? I'm so pathetic. :/
Oh, and she forgot my last Birthday. Completely forgot.
Holes
Current mood: disappointed
Everyone has holes in themselves
Some bigger than others
Will you endure that hole in him
While he fills yours so weakly
Lie to yourself it's just the same
As lying to others about whatever
Keep up the false front
How long can you avoid your truth
Everyone has holes in themselves
Some bigger than others
Will you endure that hole in him
While he fills yours so weakly
Lie to yourself it's just the same
As lying to others about whatever
Keep up the false front
How long can you avoid your truth
11.04.2007
gun handle dream
Woke up at 8:30am, then went back to sleep. Took me a while to fall back asleep. during this period I had a very strange SCI-FI dream.
I appeared on a vast flat plain, like a salt plain, there was nothing around for miles except for a group of pedestals, about 40 or so in number. There were a bunch of gun handles of varying types, of both Human and Alien manufacture. Some were partially there, some showed signs of obvious damage from battle. Some were just the grip without even a trigger. It was really strange, they were floating above these light emitting pedastals in midair, standing very still in the correct orientation and height for gripping with the hand at chest level. A voice told me that if I gripped one it would transport me to the time that weapon was last used for violence or in anger. There was a machine gun handle that appeared to be from Pearl Harbor, 1941. The voice told me "You don't want to go there."
Browning M2 50 Caliber Machine Gun
I saw a number of other human weapons, but there were some oddly colored and shaped ones that immediately caught my eye. The voice asked me if I wanted to touch one in particular, I said yes and decided on one. Apparently the weapon knows the race of the being touching it so I had to prepare myself to 'fool' the weapon. I shook out a ground pepper like substance onto my hand and the pepper absorbed into my hand turning it shiny with a black and grey mottled texture. It was kind of like pencil lead - graphite in color and shinyness.
I steeled myself as I gripped the alien handle and was whooshed quickly into a vortex.
Desert Eagle
I woke up standing in a dark and dusty convenience store holding a desert eagle handgun. It was very heavy. I looked around and felt that someone was there, but I did not see anyone. The smell of old and musty permeated through the air. I said to myself "I am done with this." and hung the gun up on a wooden peg near the door by it's trigger guard. I opened the door going outside and then I woke up.
12:30pm - Strange. I'll have to think about this one. Healing.
I appeared on a vast flat plain, like a salt plain, there was nothing around for miles except for a group of pedestals, about 40 or so in number. There were a bunch of gun handles of varying types, of both Human and Alien manufacture. Some were partially there, some showed signs of obvious damage from battle. Some were just the grip without even a trigger. It was really strange, they were floating above these light emitting pedastals in midair, standing very still in the correct orientation and height for gripping with the hand at chest level. A voice told me that if I gripped one it would transport me to the time that weapon was last used for violence or in anger. There was a machine gun handle that appeared to be from Pearl Harbor, 1941. The voice told me "You don't want to go there."
Browning M2 50 Caliber Machine Gun
I saw a number of other human weapons, but there were some oddly colored and shaped ones that immediately caught my eye. The voice asked me if I wanted to touch one in particular, I said yes and decided on one. Apparently the weapon knows the race of the being touching it so I had to prepare myself to 'fool' the weapon. I shook out a ground pepper like substance onto my hand and the pepper absorbed into my hand turning it shiny with a black and grey mottled texture. It was kind of like pencil lead - graphite in color and shinyness.
I steeled myself as I gripped the alien handle and was whooshed quickly into a vortex.
Desert Eagle
I woke up standing in a dark and dusty convenience store holding a desert eagle handgun. It was very heavy. I looked around and felt that someone was there, but I did not see anyone. The smell of old and musty permeated through the air. I said to myself "I am done with this." and hung the gun up on a wooden peg near the door by it's trigger guard. I opened the door going outside and then I woke up.
12:30pm - Strange. I'll have to think about this one. Healing.
10.25.2007
Anger
You horrible stupid whore. You cheated on me. You fucked other guys. You kept talking to other guys in the vain hope you could jump ship. Who knows what else you did. You are the worst example of a human I have ever seen. You have no conscience.
I have never felt so bad in my life. You used me. You trampled on my heart. You have no care in the world for anyone else. You don't know the meaning of love. People are just there so you can make yourself feel better. You assassinated my character when you felt like you were slighted. Your best idea of a defense is to do this instead of actually doing the honorable honest thing and JUST THINKING IT OVER. You always lash out and HURT people when you feel slighted. I feel sorry for the people in your life who have no idea about what you really are.
Fuck you whore. You are never talking to me again.
I have never felt so bad in my life. You used me. You trampled on my heart. You have no care in the world for anyone else. You don't know the meaning of love. People are just there so you can make yourself feel better. You assassinated my character when you felt like you were slighted. Your best idea of a defense is to do this instead of actually doing the honorable honest thing and JUST THINKING IT OVER. You always lash out and HURT people when you feel slighted. I feel sorry for the people in your life who have no idea about what you really are.
Fuck you whore. You are never talking to me again.
10.16.2007
Hardened Stone-Like Thing
You think you remember what it's like when you lose someone, but it's always different every time. However there is one common element. The common element is incredible pain that cannot be described. The pain that people have killed over. The pain they have killed themselves over. People may look at this and think to themselves, "What a weakling". I beg to differ. This introspection is my business. This is my life. This is why I create art, it's the indescribable inside of me.
Now why have I not made too much art over the last 3 years? I guess I was pretty content, huh. heh. I'm laughing at myself here. Anything to get rid of this horrible situation. I don't have time to waste on it. We are all dying every minute of every day of every year. Loss like this is a fact of life and we all need to get used to it sooner or later. I keep telling myself this same crap and I never ever ever get used to it. Every time it's a struggle, do I fight it and keep it inside? Or do I let it out and let it pass away like the tide?
I guess I can look away and smile, knowing I can still feel even after so very long. My life is just beginning. Unfortunately this past time it was extremely hard for me to cry, as if my heart had become a hardened stone-like thing. I think the constant beating and anger I've received over the last 3 years had made it very hard for me to open up. Now to soften up. Find the right girl to live around that I can be my old soft self with.
Sad but true I'm going to have to let go of the love I feel for her. It's just not right, now is it? We both lost something great regardless of what she may say. I pump it up in my mind and give it substance, but honestly I'll never know what she truly feels. When I really think about her all I picture is a Hoovermatic.
OMG, I'm trying to be funny. It's kinda working.
Now why have I not made too much art over the last 3 years? I guess I was pretty content, huh. heh. I'm laughing at myself here. Anything to get rid of this horrible situation. I don't have time to waste on it. We are all dying every minute of every day of every year. Loss like this is a fact of life and we all need to get used to it sooner or later. I keep telling myself this same crap and I never ever ever get used to it. Every time it's a struggle, do I fight it and keep it inside? Or do I let it out and let it pass away like the tide?
I guess I can look away and smile, knowing I can still feel even after so very long. My life is just beginning. Unfortunately this past time it was extremely hard for me to cry, as if my heart had become a hardened stone-like thing. I think the constant beating and anger I've received over the last 3 years had made it very hard for me to open up. Now to soften up. Find the right girl to live around that I can be my old soft self with.
Sad but true I'm going to have to let go of the love I feel for her. It's just not right, now is it? We both lost something great regardless of what she may say. I pump it up in my mind and give it substance, but honestly I'll never know what she truly feels. When I really think about her all I picture is a Hoovermatic.
OMG, I'm trying to be funny. It's kinda working.
10.12.2007
October 12 2007 - Reply
October 12 2007
I'm not talking about whatever the fuck you are or know now, I'm talking about your recurring behavior of talking horrible shit about people and then magically it's as if it never happened. You are a complete two-faced liar and you constantly change what you say to fit the situation. You are dishonest, disloyal, and you completely disregard the feelings of other people. You whimsically talk crap and
make it disappear later as if it never happened. I should know about this, I was a victim of your bad mouth and stress and PMS for years and years over dozens of situations.. I wish you had gained a little more insight into how you react (badly) to distress and obstacles, and as a result learn to control it better. I had great hopes for you over the last 3 years but in all reality it was way too emotionally draining dealing with you and your emotional swings.
Believe me, I'm not saying this to hurt you. I'm just illustrating how you treated me. That's all.
Morgan has your key.
Please don't respond, there is nothing else to talk about.
I'm not talking about whatever the fuck you are or know now, I'm talking about your recurring behavior of talking horrible shit about people and then magically it's as if it never happened. You are a complete two-faced liar and you constantly change what you say to fit the situation. You are dishonest, disloyal, and you completely disregard the feelings of other people. You whimsically talk crap and
make it disappear later as if it never happened. I should know about this, I was a victim of your bad mouth and stress and PMS for years and years over dozens of situations.. I wish you had gained a little more insight into how you react (badly) to distress and obstacles, and as a result learn to control it better. I had great hopes for you over the last 3 years but in all reality it was way too emotionally draining dealing with you and your emotional swings.
Believe me, I'm not saying this to hurt you. I'm just illustrating how you treated me. That's all.
Morgan has your key.
Please don't respond, there is nothing else to talk about.
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