Current mood: betrayed
Sitting in front of a glowing keyboard... reading news, watching the goings-ons of other people's lives. Drinking a very nice Merlot. Trying not to think about someone. It's halfway working. She's not that important. She's not that GREAT.
Thinking in codes, speaking in tongues. Trying to conceal my interests.
Wondering whether I should attempt to draw something, I have such huge resources inside and in front of me... And then I catch myself. I ask myself, 'what for? (no) What does this do for me? (no) Does it fix anything? (no) Does anyone see me sitting here? (no) What's the point?' (no)
GREAT. CATCH-22's at every turn.
All my art has ever done has given me a record to look back on, something to be sorrowful about. (yes) Great. (yes) This is a wonderful perspective I have given myself. (yes) This is what it's like for Eric to feel. (yes) This is what it's like to be an 'artist'. (yes) Oh, he's so cool, he's an artist. (yes) Fuck that. (yes) Nobody knows. (yes) Nobody cares. (yes) Nobody sees the infinite possibilities like I do. (yes) Nobody can feel like I do. (yes) Nobody ever gets close, nobody dares. (Sorry Henry.)
(yes)
So here I am holding my own balls once again like a friggin' stupid numbnut. Fuck the world. What was the point again? Please tell me. Your answer will mean completely nothing... once again. GREAT.
(about) Fuck the world.
You know the abbreviated phrase 'FTW'? When I first saw it on the internet I thought it meant "Fuck the World". Now I know it means "For the Win". That first interpretation illustrates so much. I'm such a positive asshole shit person, huh. GREAT.
ANGER.
Tired. I just need some sleep. I was trying so hard to get to sleep last night, but it completely escaped me until 6am or so. I was up by 9:30am to get to work at 10. GREAT.
I fixed so many stupid easy things at work over the past week.
1. Removed Novell Netware from operation. Replaced with a windows 2003 server with Win 2k clients. easy. BIG. GREAT.
2. Implemented an offsite backup system that works with a shell script that automatically compresses and dates files for upload to the remote server at 2am. yawn. 10 minutes to find out windows shell environment support SUCKS. Fuck you sincerely Microsoft. Wish it were Linux. GREAT.
How come I am the one always doing the big crap? People seem so useless sometimes.
It's so hard to be without... and the fact is there is no belief in the sanctity of love.. the sacredness of it. There is no romance, huh? Get a fucking clue.
So much for love, I need to abandon it, huh.
GREAT.
Click. Click. Click.
Dash. Dot. Dash.
Speaking in codes. Working it out. Yes, I'm completely dense.
Still in love. GREAT.
great love. Crashing apart while coming together. Ad infinatum.
And what I am thinking about right now... is lazy days at Ikea buying carpets and plants.
It was always that simplicity that pleased me.
12.19.2007
12.12.2007
About Going Bye-Bye
When someone loves someone else, it's through thick and thin. The feeling cannot be dissuaded. The feeling cannot be abolished. I thought that love was about honesty and integrity, even honor possibly. I thought that it was about not betraying trust. I thought it was not about being selfish in the face of adversity. I thought it was about loyalty. I thought I never ever betrayed that trust. I thought I was always there, always accessible. I suppose someone else never thought about me the way I thought about her. I thought it was supposed to be forever. Now I can see the situation rather clearly and I know it's all about never. What it's really about then?? It's about someone's need to be taken care of. It's about someone elses fear of doing it 'alone'. Even though we would have been together, we would have been in reality alone. I suppose it's my own existential process of thought, my own existential angst that destroyed it. I fucked it up because I'm too damn independent and she did not love me enough.
Sure I would have been around to hug and hold her tight, but her trust in me just was not there to take her through the hard times that I had. I ran too silent, I ran too deep. The troubled times where things just became way too much for either of us were a big problem. Her doubt became unmanageable. I could not be her shining knight in armor every waking moment. And she was always the princess needing to be pampered, spoon fed, told that everything is going to be alright. Where is the responsibility? She has never once taken care of herself through life. Taken responsibility.
Three years ago I saw her first in a particularly bad place, living in her grandfather's empty house while he was in the nursing home, living there scot-free. She was waiting tables. She had a 2 year old child borne out of wedlock. Not a good thing in a healthy Christian community if such a thing exists. I was in love with her. Then things became hard. Her grandfather was dying. Therefore the family was going to boot her out to sell the house and the burden of her upkeep became mine. She moved in because I let her, this was the wrong decision on my part, but I loved her... She never took care of herself. She never took care of the house, it was a wreck. I was coming home to a mess consistently. I kicked her out after 2 months, I was determined that she had to become self sufficient, maybe in my own way I was trying to knock some sense into her, make her more self aware.
After this was a golden age, at least to me. She got a place in Vallejo, a nice apartment on her own, she was on welfare, going to Community College and her school grants & loans were taking care of her. This is an important point. Loans. Grants. Another example of borrowed time, this will discombobulate on her eventually, and pretty massively I think if this pattern continues on it's current course. Oh, well, the man of your moment will shoulder that burden, won't he?
She had a situation recently one Wednesday where E. was sick and she could not miss a class. Sadly enough I am a huge stupid idiot and took the 'bait' to take care of him and drive her to class.... When seeing her life situation I could not avoid the nagging thought that she's been falling apart inside. It's like that video of the breaking vase that goes forward and then goes back wards, then forwards, then backwards. It's a trainwreck. And outside it shows. She could barely take care of herself. Her hair was greasy and unkempt. Her clothes were out of sorts and 'unchosen' if you know what I mean. Her place was a massive wreck. She could not do the dishes. Empty water bottles. Empty microwaveable cartons. Where is her new housecleaning hubby? She could not keep up with her studies. She made a 'D' grade on a recent exam. "This never happens" so she said. She could not keep the faith in her new relationship. I know this one first hand. She cheated with me on him like she cheated on me with whoever. People don't change do they. Of course I was privy to all of these silly shenanigans. She came to me with her new relationship problems STILL even after betraying my love and trust so badly. I am such an incredible moron for caring so much and laying myself on the line again and again. I open my heart just so she can slide the dagger in silently again and again. Use me, use me. For whatever, just because I like being close.
And I still love her, you know.
While there I looked at all of the empty trojan wrappers on the floor and on the shelves next to the bed. Her dirty underwear on the floor. I see those small things. I see his tiny love notes and his scratched out mistake poems in tiny tiny writing to her. He seems desperate too. I can tell. I see the insanity and the doubt, and you know it just breaks my heart completely. I still love her even through this impossibly difficult situation. Why did she even come to me? Why am I even a choice anymore? I don't exist, do I? Hrmmm... I seem to exist still to her. And he's mad that I spent all day with her, trying to glimpse a single shred of sanity between us, what we once had. Well, he should be mad, huh. We had a good time and went out to eat. He's not enough for her raging spirit. She will outgrow him eventually. Or is it that she will stop pretending to be someone else and wake up to what I believe to be the truth? Regardless, though. I need some...
Honesty.
with Myself.
I need to leave it alone. I need to leave her alone. I need to leave her be. I don't know what's right for her. It's her battle and if I continue to attempt a plea bargain with her I will be utterly destroyed. If she sees it as a battle even. She does not know what the problem is, she's so blind to her own need to be taken care of. Fucking princess. She substantiated it years ago, authoritatively ~ "Of course I'm a princess, I'm worth it".
No, honey. If you don't make value in yourself and to yourself ~ then you are worthless. Lay down your body one more time so we can all take a long look. You pay for the trivial life experience again and again, Trample on my heart again just for good measure. Your life isn't about love, it's just about your fear of survival. It's about your fear of lack. It's about your fear of death. It's about that big hole in your heart. Only you can conquer it. Only you can destroy your own demons. Only you can fill that hole, and it's not about someone else filling your hole, pun intended. But instead you postpone the confrontation again and again while masquerading it under the pretense of 'true love' or whatever it is you figure it to be.
I'm so tired of encountering these broken people. I realize I'm just as broken too, though. Fuck me and my judgemental self. I am completely doomed.
Because I still love you, you know. But love cannot exist without trust. So I need to go bye bye now.
Sure I would have been around to hug and hold her tight, but her trust in me just was not there to take her through the hard times that I had. I ran too silent, I ran too deep. The troubled times where things just became way too much for either of us were a big problem. Her doubt became unmanageable. I could not be her shining knight in armor every waking moment. And she was always the princess needing to be pampered, spoon fed, told that everything is going to be alright. Where is the responsibility? She has never once taken care of herself through life. Taken responsibility.
Three years ago I saw her first in a particularly bad place, living in her grandfather's empty house while he was in the nursing home, living there scot-free. She was waiting tables. She had a 2 year old child borne out of wedlock. Not a good thing in a healthy Christian community if such a thing exists. I was in love with her. Then things became hard. Her grandfather was dying. Therefore the family was going to boot her out to sell the house and the burden of her upkeep became mine. She moved in because I let her, this was the wrong decision on my part, but I loved her... She never took care of herself. She never took care of the house, it was a wreck. I was coming home to a mess consistently. I kicked her out after 2 months, I was determined that she had to become self sufficient, maybe in my own way I was trying to knock some sense into her, make her more self aware.
After this was a golden age, at least to me. She got a place in Vallejo, a nice apartment on her own, she was on welfare, going to Community College and her school grants & loans were taking care of her. This is an important point. Loans. Grants. Another example of borrowed time, this will discombobulate on her eventually, and pretty massively I think if this pattern continues on it's current course. Oh, well, the man of your moment will shoulder that burden, won't he?
She had a situation recently one Wednesday where E. was sick and she could not miss a class. Sadly enough I am a huge stupid idiot and took the 'bait' to take care of him and drive her to class.... When seeing her life situation I could not avoid the nagging thought that she's been falling apart inside. It's like that video of the breaking vase that goes forward and then goes back wards, then forwards, then backwards. It's a trainwreck. And outside it shows. She could barely take care of herself. Her hair was greasy and unkempt. Her clothes were out of sorts and 'unchosen' if you know what I mean. Her place was a massive wreck. She could not do the dishes. Empty water bottles. Empty microwaveable cartons. Where is her new housecleaning hubby? She could not keep up with her studies. She made a 'D' grade on a recent exam. "This never happens" so she said. She could not keep the faith in her new relationship. I know this one first hand. She cheated with me on him like she cheated on me with whoever. People don't change do they. Of course I was privy to all of these silly shenanigans. She came to me with her new relationship problems STILL even after betraying my love and trust so badly. I am such an incredible moron for caring so much and laying myself on the line again and again. I open my heart just so she can slide the dagger in silently again and again. Use me, use me. For whatever, just because I like being close.
And I still love her, you know.
While there I looked at all of the empty trojan wrappers on the floor and on the shelves next to the bed. Her dirty underwear on the floor. I see those small things. I see his tiny love notes and his scratched out mistake poems in tiny tiny writing to her. He seems desperate too. I can tell. I see the insanity and the doubt, and you know it just breaks my heart completely. I still love her even through this impossibly difficult situation. Why did she even come to me? Why am I even a choice anymore? I don't exist, do I? Hrmmm... I seem to exist still to her. And he's mad that I spent all day with her, trying to glimpse a single shred of sanity between us, what we once had. Well, he should be mad, huh. We had a good time and went out to eat. He's not enough for her raging spirit. She will outgrow him eventually. Or is it that she will stop pretending to be someone else and wake up to what I believe to be the truth? Regardless, though. I need some...
Honesty.
with Myself.
I need to leave it alone. I need to leave her alone. I need to leave her be. I don't know what's right for her. It's her battle and if I continue to attempt a plea bargain with her I will be utterly destroyed. If she sees it as a battle even. She does not know what the problem is, she's so blind to her own need to be taken care of. Fucking princess. She substantiated it years ago, authoritatively ~ "Of course I'm a princess, I'm worth it".
No, honey. If you don't make value in yourself and to yourself ~ then you are worthless. Lay down your body one more time so we can all take a long look. You pay for the trivial life experience again and again, Trample on my heart again just for good measure. Your life isn't about love, it's just about your fear of survival. It's about your fear of lack. It's about your fear of death. It's about that big hole in your heart. Only you can conquer it. Only you can destroy your own demons. Only you can fill that hole, and it's not about someone else filling your hole, pun intended. But instead you postpone the confrontation again and again while masquerading it under the pretense of 'true love' or whatever it is you figure it to be.
I'm so tired of encountering these broken people. I realize I'm just as broken too, though. Fuck me and my judgemental self. I am completely doomed.
Because I still love you, you know. But love cannot exist without trust. So I need to go bye bye now.
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