ummmm_03-01-2005.txt

Tuesday, March 1 2005

And here is the reply I made to the previous bitchfest. She actually left the text file open on her computer, as if she wanted me to find it just to see my reaction. I think she was pretty manipulative.

Did you expect me to find this?

If you feel this way then go ahead and fuck someone else, FEEL FREE. Can't you see that I'm not stopping you????

I am scared that you actually DID fuck Dan tonight. When you asked for me to come over this was what was in my thoughts... "Oh, shit... what did SHE DO?"

You see... You really aren't ready for a committed relationship if you are saying to yourself "I could be fucking some other guy right now and he would never know it." I'll suggest it again... WHAT'S STOPPING YOU? Why the fuck am I even here trying to talk to you when you can say shit like that???? Do you know what the fuck you are doing in this relationship? Are you even here because you want to be? Do you even want me around? It does not seem so! I don't even think you know who I am to you at this point. I feel like I'm in the process of really being fucked over.

I feel like a TOOL.

How can I trust you when you can't even trust yourself?
You don't even believe me, I feel like I've just been wasting my time with this....

If it so much easier for you then I'll up and leave!
Just break up with me if that's the easy way out. You don't owe me anything, you know. I gave it all for free. there's no cost-benefit ratio waiting in the mail, there's no bill that needs to be paid at the end of the month.

I can't wait for you to figure out WTF you really want in life. I can't even wait for you to figure out if your life is even really worth living.

I'm sick of the weird co-dependent guilt situations you create for me... the situation with the house is NOT my problem, I help when I can. You say that when I am over Elijah makes more of a mess. Well, how come the house was a fucking wreck and I had not been over for like 3 days? ummm... OK! That makes alot of sense. This transferal of blame shit is really irritating. What if it's nobody's fault at all? Quit blaming people for shit that just happens.

You can't keep blaming all this random shit on something or someone else. This is *your* life, YOU alone have responsibility for your decisions. Quit living other people's expectations.

I absolutely can not live with you if you are really like this. Break free of whatever it is... and start living for yourself, please. I really love you, but I'm not fucking bailing you out in a codependent blaze of glory! My life comes first to me, NOT YOURS. OK, princess?


Recollection comes later. 20/20

Bitchfest - February 22, 2005

Past recollection, post dated to when it was written for context.

Angela wrote this one sunny day, February 22, 2005.
You would think I would have been pretty scared by what she wrote, but not me! I'm all powerful and I can take anything on!! I guess you could say I'm pretty fucking stupid.

I just want to relax. I don't want to worry about the house. I don't want to worry about the kid. I don't want to worry about anything but school. Why does Elijah have to shit so much. Why can't he just go to bed without me being called on by CPS because I have to yell and screem at his ass to get him to do anything. And why can't my boyfriend ever pick up the goddamn phone and call me. I could be fucking some other guy right now and he would never know it. I wish that he cared a little more about his part in this relationship. I want to get calls too, you know. Just ask me how my fucking day went. That's all. Is it really so hard. I can go whole days without having any sort of stimulating conversation with anyone. I hate it. I wish I had some sort of "group" to hang out with at school or to at least sit at a lunch table with. I wish I had some other friends besides Holly and Laura. Friends that were my level. My life even with Eric in it is very lonely. My mom was right. No matter what your life is lonely. Why did God set it up to be this way. Why even take on life partners at all if that's the case. People are so untrustworthy anyway. There is no garuntee with anyone. Even yourself. I constantly have thoughts of cheating on Eric with this guy or that guy. I'm always looking. Is that so bad? I'm always wondering what I'm missing. I'm sort of missing Eric right now. I wish I had some one besides him to call. I've kind of shut myself off from alot of the world because of Eric. It's like he is my social life now. Not when I get to Marin. I will do my best to outsource my friendships into other things. To not become trapped in the apartment with him and Elijah. I will fucking kill myself. I hate most of the people I go to school with. They all seem really preoccupied with other things. I wonder what Eric is doing right now. Probably wondering why I haven't called him all day. I wish this was the paper that is due tomorrow. I'm so brain dead today. I couldn't even do my math homework. I hope tomorrow is better. It's like I can't do anything unless my house is clean. It bugs the shit out of me that Eric can't even make the house look nice for me when I get home. I hope he's better at his own house. He just fucking comes over and makes a mess and leaves. I'm going to not call him untill all of my school work is done. Period. I'm not distracting myself anymore. My life ran fine without him. The social interaction that I got was from him, Holly and Laura. That's fine. I liked how we were before. Talked on the phone alot and saw eachother once a week. He didn't get in the way at all. Now he's constantly over here, wanting so much attention from me. He never leaves me alone or pushes me to do my homework. He doesn't care if Elijah is being cared for or not, he doesn't care about my homework, and yet he will get mad at me if I've waited to long to do it because I was paying attention and taking care of him. Doesn't he understand that what ever I give him is a lot, because I don't have a lot to give. I wasn't supposed to have this right now. Not yet. This is all too soon.

Testing!

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Ok? Ok!