Sad Reflection

It's funny how I can feel the same way inside, over a year and a half later.

I guess she was really important to me.

They say it takes half of the time in the relationship to get over the relationship....
Oh, well. I guess it's time to face the facts and move on.

It's really stupid of me, though. She treated me so badly. Honestly I don't really know who she is. Oh, the power of the pussy.

Flaccid excuses

So she texts me, "Did you get a call from E's School today?"

WHAT? Why the fuck would she bother asking me that? Apparently she did not bother to change the emergency contact numbers. Oh, sigh.

Such a facile flaccid lame excuse. What a waste of time. Why did she bother to even contact me about this? As if it even matters anymore. Lame.

So I told her to change the number and "no more plz". Maybe she'll understand that I don't ever want to talk to her again? Maybe?

Seems oddly coincidental to the 3/24 "A Message" blog post which was also on my website...

Ughhh...

Woke up from a bad dream ~ Where I was arguing with E about A. OMG that was weird. Really weird.... As if E was an adult now.

Sigh, time moves on and I just cannot seem to forget.
Time has moved on without me and I seem to be just standing still here.

Forget. Forget. Forget.

I hope she gets the message and never visits again, because if she does I'm going to have to block the IP address. OR do some creative PHP host redirection? Sigh. Whatever. What would it be for anyways?

What's this for?

A message.

You are a faint echo in my Apache http logs
Will you please go away and leave me
In peace.
This way I can forget you
and the wrong you have done to me,
so I can move on with my life
In peace.

Please leave me alone.

Unless you mean it.

Prove me wrong, or just leave me
In peace.

This is a plea.
For you to be good to me,
As well as yourself.

It's goodbye, you know.
So please make it so.

Look she is in third

The monkey is back... on my back.


It's makes me wonder... what is her point? Why is she looking? If she cared she would be around. I guess her need for imagined safety outstripped her love of me. Oh, sigh.

She comes back for what she's missing.
She comes back for what she has lost.
She comes back for her fix.
She comes back because she wants so see me talking about her some more.
She comes back because she wants so see me crying.

I suppose she gets some sort of sick pleasure looking at the artwork I make about her.

You would figure she would get tired of looking.

She's not my problem anymore, why am I talking about this?

Tearing Apart

I've been falling apart all day so far. I was falling apart last night. Why am I so upset... she's so not worth it if she's not here. I'm stupid.

4:15
Getting a little better, picking up the pieces of my fragile psyche off of the floor where *I* dropped them. It's silly of me to think in this direction, no light at the end of that tunnel...

2009 in progress

Not sure if it's progress. I've added some blue and pasted some clippings, girls and newspaper articles. Not much has changed for this one in a very long time, say late 2007 or so. I suppose that appropriately fits with what this painting is about. Nothing has changed. That's ok. It's a done thing, There is no moving forward with my desires so I must change direction here.

I need to burn this shit.
Oh, but it's too precious isn't it.

Oh, damn. So melodramatic. :(

Melody 1997

Melody - Acrylic and concrete on plywood, 1997

I did this piece under the aura of a really bad breakup. It took me about a month to complete, I was in a 'zone' with this one, that's for sure. I found the concrete covered piece of plywood at a contruction site as I was walking around the neighborhood one night. Some of the things I distinctly remember those nights is the Hale-Bopp comet in the sky, plainly visible to the naked eye. I also remember the suicidal deaths of all those Heaven's Gate people. Super positive thoughts, eh? I really was not thinking about that bad stuff, I was very inside my own inner world at the time and it really did not affect me until much later. I clammed up in a way. Past is past and hindsight is 20/20.

To this day this is one of my most prized paintings.
Sorry Catherine. :(


On the way to the mothership, 1997

Thirty-eight of the group members, plus Applewhite, the group's leader, were found dead in a rented mansion in the upscale San Diego community of Rancho Santa Fe, California, on March 26, 1997. Two former members of Heaven's Gate, Wayne Cooke and Charlie Humphreys, later died in copycat suicides. Humphreys had survived a suicide pact with Cooke in May 1997, but successfully committed suicide in February 1998. The mass death of the Heaven's Gate group was widely publicized in the media as an example of cult suicide.

The suicide was accomplished by ingestion of phenobarbital mixed with vodka, along with plastic bags secured around their heads to induce asphyxiation. They were found lying neatly in their own bunk beds, with their faces and torsos covered by a square, purple cloth. Each member carried a five dollar bill and three quarters in their pockets. All 39 were dressed in identical black shirts and sweat pants, brand new black-and-white Nike athletic shoes, and armband patches reading "Heaven's Gate Away Team." The suicides were conducted in shifts, and the remaining members of the group cleaned up after each prior group's death.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Heaven%27s_Gate_(religious_group)

Loathing 1998

Loathing 1998

I was not very happy when I was doing this one. Living in a tiny hole of a place on Woodland Ave in San Rafael, it was really dark and gloomy. Like deep sea fish, my paintings lost most of their color and became albino. Very strange. The only thing of color is that damn purple couch. I guess I was trying to tell myself I needed a rest! Soft comfortable couches!! AAAHHHH!!!

The original picture of the angry guy was made in my sketchbook on a bus on the way to the subway station to go to the Hirschorn Museum when I was interning in college. Now that's alot of run-on information!! :/ I remember the bus shaking and shaking... I could not draw. After a while I got used to it and this guy came out of the pen. The NYPD is a reference to the years I spent in New York.. DUH. And it's a straight jacket. Figure that one out. :(

The tiny head of Christina Aguilera is a joke Jonah played on me when I was scanning these paintings. Thanks Jonah. You fucker. :)

Womb 1995

Womb 1995

Living in New York upper east side. Nice neighborhood, actually. Except go up one more block and it's spanish harlem with tons of drug dealers. yay! This was the excitement of NYC for me.

Riding my bike down Lexington Avenue one day, I find this awesome piece of Luon with back framing, just lying there in the street. It says to me, "Take me now, I am free!". So I do! I take it home and make love to it with my paintbrush, and it's never the same again.

There is human hair in this one, it creates a great texture.
I wish I had hair still. Oh, well.

I have dryer lint now. Give me all your dryer lint. Collect it in a box. Just for me. It will be enshrined.

The past is very heavy and becomes heavier.
Tchus!

Silence 2007

Silence 2007

Strange days, I hardly remember this one. I think I started the background layout in late 2004 just before I met Angela. There's porno in there! LOL! More cushy furniture to add to the couches of Teacher and Loathing. I seem to like to draw furniture alot. Maybe it's that damn plastic covered roach infested couch I remember from my eighth grade friend Ricky's house ~ back when my mind had no borders. Damn that couch was always greasy. They were always cooking fried chicken or fried something, and they never took baths. STRANGE PEOPLE TO ME NOW. Oh, well. I was 13 or something and I really did not give a flying fuck. It was all fun and games to me. Like I said, I did not have any mental border walls. Time to tear those motherfuckers down. I really wonder where Ricky is now. Ricky Powell, where are you now? :)

The Monkey

I was wrong, actually.... She comes to sit on my back for a few megabytes every month or so.

I guess I should just grin and bear it.

But at least it not like she has nothing to see, I create a tasty tidbit just for her. Sniff sniff, snap!


2 Face 3 - Revision G
(No real title yet)

This one is still not done. Why do they always take so damn long???