The Depression Blender

Depression is a motherfucker people.

I guess I have good reason. I have good reason I guess.

The love of my life left me. I wasn't the love of her life, though. It all ends. She'll never know me. She will never know me. She still continues to look though.
Look look look. You won't understand. You'll never find.. what's inside. Inside of who though? Nevermind, go back to your Forum, they know your secret.

My father passed away. We never really said what needed to be said. Or did we? I spent some nights in his car weeks afterwards... When I couldn't sleep I would grab the car key, walk out there at midnight - everything completely silent. Climb in, start the car. The smell of his car ~ The seat he sat in ~ the steering wheel worn at 10 and 2. Listening to Little Feat ~ Waiting for Columbus ~ and crying to myself all the while. How pitiful that scene was. Was he watching? I honestly don't know. I guess at the time I was hoping that that was the case. Hoping for a better place. Hoping for existence. Hoping for continuation. I wanted him to know that I care. I care so much.

Driving his car to the Wal-Mart. Must go find a baby phlegm sucker thing to suck the nasty from his mouth, he can't breathe. Searching searching in vain. I will always remember feeling completely hopeless to do anything to relieve his situation. I just cannot realize that he is dying before my eyes. This is the final sleep and I was not accepting it.

Nothing lasts forever. And we waste it away. Countless opportunities just thrown into the garbage. It's sad, isn't it.

Now. I snap.

The depression just fades away and I realize the short end of the existence we all lead here on this planet. I am here. I am me. For what it's worth I'm actually very happy and proud of the things I have done. I do the best I can.

But there could be more. There can always be more.

This is my life. People have disappeared from it, but I still exist. I'm not done, not by a long shot.

The gas in my Dad's car is really low. Tomorrow I should go get a full tank and go out to Tiburon and watch the bay for a little bit. He would like that.

Sucks

I keep meaning to write... but I really have nothing to say. :/

Sometimes it sucks being me.

Keyboard lameness.

Oh, and another thing. Razer sucks because their rubber coated keys are becoming rubber uncoated in less than a month. GREAT. Time to return and see if the logitech keyboard can put up with my hardcore beating.

BTC X
Saitek X
Razer X
Logitech ?

Crap on that position.

I had something smart to say, but I'm wasted. Way too wasted these days. Too many hours spent thinking and not remembering the next day.

I'm going to paint over the messages I wrote to her. She is going to be systematically erased. This is where she deserves to be in my heart.

This life continues without you.
That's easy for you to say.

So god damned dramatic.
What a pathetic pose this is.
Loser.

...

I fucking hate this $80 keyboard. Fucking Razer can't get the damn key spacing right. Fucking lame.

The grand petering out.

Well, she seems to be staying away. I suppose this is a good thing. I can't help but be a little sad about it though. Of course this is just based on my observation of her IP address from my webserver stats. She could be accessing from any WIFI hotspot on the berkeley campus which I know she has done before, hrmmmm.

Facebook Exchange:

E: Why
A: because.
E: Angry
A: okay.
E: No

So completely and utterly sad. Sigh.
Flogging the dead horse of what our relationship could have been.
This is the grand end of it, and I'm basically numb. I don't fucking care anymore.
She was just a barnacle or a leech anyways. Why should I be sad? Why?
She just found a new boat to mindlessly attach to, no distinctions are necessary.

Slurp slurp.