The 12 Step, Football, Couches, and a good Dictionary.

Current mood: indescribable

Over the last month I feel like I have been losing my grip on sanity. So many feelings rush through me that I cannot explain. Worries, doubt, sadness, anger, yearning, longing, nostalgia, fear, loneliness, depression. I thought I had everything, but now it seems as if I have absolutely nothing. I have had my life ripped away from me. It will definitely take some time and contemplation to recover from this loss. All I need to do right now is find my center, find out who I am once again. Find out why I am living.

I hate to be so damn melodramatic, but it hurts so bad to know I spent so much time in her life 'working' for her ~ and the realization that I put my own life on hold and I spent practically no time on myself. My free time was spent recuperating in my 'nothing box', as we both liked to label it. She was always so demanding of my time. I feel like she just sucked my soul dry, and as it happened over the years I became more and more distant and more and more angry. She never 'watered' my plant. She never saw me wither up. And she still does not understand that particular feeling pouring out of me even right now... that love I have always had for her from the first moment I saw her and got to know her on October 25, 2004. She does not understand the depth and how incredibly hard it is for me to let go of the feeling. I'm such a big fucking pussy. Time flies and we forget ourselves, we become complacent, we become bitter, we forget the point. I suppose in all reality we just were not right for each other. I have to accept that conclusion regardless of that precious moment we spent last friday morning. It's obvious she is weak to certain things and I feel badly that it had to happen like this. She had to know and I was not afraid to show it. Not afraid at all. Sorry Ang.

I don't think she loves this new guy. She just loves what he does 'for' her. I can't see her being satisfied emotionally or intellectually by him from everything she has said about him. The 12 Step, Football, Couches, and a good Dictionary. What am I talking about anyways? I don't think she ever really loved who I was either. I guess we will see what happens, that is if I can keep looking with a straight face. That is if the feeling lasts... I sure do hope it goes away since it's completely excruciating. And she tried to talk to me about her fear in her new relationship... Errr, I think I am the completely WRONG person to talk to. As if it did not stab me in the heart whenever she mentioned him. And the looking after Elijah so she could go out to a show with that guy? How is that RIGHT in anyone's universe? Always using people. She was always doing that. Why do I torture myself so by letting her back in? That new guy had better be freaked out by this behavior since it's just a small taste of what's to come later. I could go on and on and on like a broken record. Well, no more, it's cut. It's dried out, there's no more water.

I took the old photo out of the frame she gave me and replaced it with that computer drawing of her. Poetic justice, now I will never forget, eh? How could I anyways? I'm so pathetic. :/

Oh, and she forgot my last Birthday. Completely forgot.

Holes

Current mood: disappointed

Everyone has holes in themselves
Some bigger than others
Will you endure that hole in him
While he fills yours so weakly

Lie to yourself it's just the same
As lying to others about whatever
Keep up the false front
How long can you avoid your truth

gun handle dream

Woke up at 8:30am, then went back to sleep. Took me a while to fall back asleep. during this period I had a very strange SCI-FI dream.

I appeared on a vast flat plain, like a salt plain, there was nothing around for miles except for a group of pedestals, about 40 or so in number. There were a bunch of gun handles of varying types, of both Human and Alien manufacture. Some were partially there, some showed signs of obvious damage from battle. Some were just the grip without even a trigger. It was really strange, they were floating above these light emitting pedastals in midair, standing very still in the correct orientation and height for gripping with the hand at chest level. A voice told me that if I gripped one it would transport me to the time that weapon was last used for violence or in anger. There was a machine gun handle that appeared to be from Pearl Harbor, 1941. The voice told me "You don't want to go there."


Browning M2 50 Caliber Machine Gun

I saw a number of other human weapons, but there were some oddly colored and shaped ones that immediately caught my eye. The voice asked me if I wanted to touch one in particular, I said yes and decided on one. Apparently the weapon knows the race of the being touching it so I had to prepare myself to 'fool' the weapon. I shook out a ground pepper like substance onto my hand and the pepper absorbed into my hand turning it shiny with a black and grey mottled texture. It was kind of like pencil lead - graphite in color and shinyness.

I steeled myself as I gripped the alien handle and was whooshed quickly into a vortex.


Desert Eagle

I woke up standing in a dark and dusty convenience store holding a desert eagle handgun. It was very heavy. I looked around and felt that someone was there, but I did not see anyone. The smell of old and musty permeated through the air. I said to myself "I am done with this." and hung the gun up on a wooden peg near the door by it's trigger guard. I opened the door going outside and then I woke up.

12:30pm - Strange. I'll have to think about this one. Healing.